Let’s talk about Conflict.
Does the word “conflict” make you want to run for the hills?
You're not alone. Many knowledge workers, especially those balancing demanding careers and family life, find navigating disagreements incredibly draining.
If you tend to be conflict-averse, the topic of this week’s post might have you feeling some trepidation or maybe even exasperation. The last thing you need is another lecture from someone on the internet telling you that conflict is good or to “stand up for yourself” or, my favourite, “be more assertive”!
I genuinely understand. I mentioned in my last blog post recovering from people pleasing. Being someone who has struggled with people pleasing means conflict avoidance, rumination and a lack of self-compassion are things I know all too well. 😣
I am very familiar with conflict avoidance, and no, this post is not another lecture. Rather than tell you all the things you likely already know about conflict management, I will give you a few reminders I now arm myself with when going into high-conflict situations. Each reminder works for different situations, but think of them as a Rolodex (did I just age myself) of options you can flip through and select the one most suited to the situation you are in.
Conflict is creative. We discuss conflict as beneficial in much the same way we view feedback as a gift. I spend some time in my book providing a framework for how to actually evaluate feedback. You can purchase your copy here. Conflict in reality is a creative, not a destructive force; it means there is passion and care and, most importantly, an opportunity to co-create something new.
Let me explain.
In times of conflict, typically there is one or more voices advocating for a perspective which is different from yours, may or may not be based in reality, may be driven by fear, mistrust, scarcity, anxiety, overprotectiveness or something else. Do you know what all these things translate to? Engagement!! This means you have the opportunity to find innovative solutions, create stronger team dynamics, or grow as a person. The person on the other side of the table or argument cares enough to voice their opinions and push for something they believe is good. The opportunity, therefore, is to lean into their narrative, attempt to understand their perspective and negotiate a new reality for all parties.
💡 Pro tip: The approach works best when there is a willingness from all parties to listen to and consider diverse perspectives.
2. Conflict avoidance is expensive. Think about your cognitive capacity as a bank account with a set balance, this means you do not have all the capacity in the world to deal and and respond to every single thing, argument, comment, social media post or email. This means you need to prioritize your bank balance so that it can have the most impact.
Do you know what conflict avoidance does to your cognitive capacity? It creates rumination, you replay the event over and over again, dreaming up different responses and reactions, role-playing different outcomes, on and on you go, wondering if you should say something or if you said something and they said something back, and then something happened.
The problem with rumination is the negative impact it has on your prefrontal cortex, making it harder to be present and productive. It is like running your engine while keeping the car in park! You use up your limited cognitive capacity and drain your creative juices when, if you had just had the difficult conversation, it would have been uncomfortable in the moment, but you would have moved on and been better for it. So the next time you feel like swallowing your words, ask yourself if you can afford to.
💡 Pro tip: Conflict avoidance can accelerate burnout and hurt your well-being. To increase your chances of engaging, ask yourself, “What new possibility could emerge from this disagreement?”
3. Conflict is a Molehill, not a Mountain. It is not as scary as it sounds. I will share a story with permission from a client. Let’s call her Sarah. Sarah was meeting her brother Dan, who was coming in from out of state, after they disagreed vehemently on how to take care of their ailing father. Dan felt Sarah was not doing enough, and Sarah felt resentful that she had to do all the work. With every day that passed, Sarah’s anxiety grew; she made up scenarios of what Dan would say, remembered all how Dan was dismissive of her concerns and opinions, felt herself bubble with rage and swore that she would stand up for herself this time.
After a session with me, Saraha had a plan; she was going to go into the conversation believing that Dan wanted the best for their Dad and understanding that Dan may not have the full picture of what it took to care for him. She wrote down a list of facts - hours she spent in doctors’ offices, time spent shuttling back and forth from her place to check on him, bills, tracking medication, plus the emotional turmoil she felt watching her father struggle. She wrote down the points to serve as an anchor, so when the conversation got heated, she had hard facts.
She also wrote down what she wanted from the conversation. What was a good outcome? Sometimes, when our emotions are running high, we can speed past a good solution or dig in our heels because our feelings are hurt and we miss the point of the conversation altogether. Writing down what she wanted was a milestone so she could see it when it showed up or lead the conversation towards it.
Doing this helped calm the rumination and made her feel confident in her plan. When Dan finally showed up, it was still a difficult conversation, but having a plan and being solution-oriented meant they could work out a solution together. Dan gained an appreciation of what it felt like to be in Sarah’s shoes, and her openness allowed him to be vulnerable about the helplessness he felt because he was so far away.
What is the tip here? Always go into a difficult conversation with a plan. This preparation not only helps you increase your chances of getting a positive outcome but also significantly reduces pre-conflict anxiety. Write it down; do not trust yourself to remember all the points from memory; high emotions can short-circuit our rational thinking process. Going in with a plan increases your confidence that you can get a positive outcome.
Ready to transform conflict from a source of dread into an opportunity for growth and clarity? Book a free discovery session with me today to explore how coaching can help you articulate the issue you are dealing with and build the confidence to lean in rather than lean back.
Until next time, live free!!
