How to Break Free from People-Pleasing and Reclaim Your Power
Hello, my name is Blessing, and I'm a recovering people-pleaser 🫤
I've spent a significant amount of time in therapy and with my journal, diligently working through this challenge. I truly dislike being a people-pleaser. I can recall countless conversations and interactions where I walked away utterly disgusted with myself for saying "yes" when my inner voice screamed "no," for smiling when I should have paused and asked a clarifying question, and for going along with things when I should have confidently walked away.
My default, and frankly, very pressing need to be liked, has been the literal bane of my existence. It's made me a less happy person, a flaky friend, an irritable spouse, and, overall, a less kind human. So, as someone obsessed with living intentionally, figuring this out and truly fixing it has dominated my headspace for a very long time.
Now, I could delve into the intricate reasons why I developed people-pleasing as a social adaptation—a way to feel safe in the world—but you probably don't care about that. From a neuroscience perspective, our brains are wired for connection and belonging, and sometimes, people-pleasing becomes a deeply ingrained (though often unhelpful) strategy to ensure that connection. It's a survival instinct gone a little off-kilter. If you struggle with this too, you're likely thinking, "Please tell me how you figured it out! How did you solve it? Are you now mean-spirited and disagreeable? How is that working out for you?"
One common misconception is that the only alternative to people-pleasing and extreme agreeableness is extreme disagreeableness, rigid boundaries, and being mean-spirited. That's not quite accurate. A better alternative is conducting a proper risk assessment! 💡
People-pleasing is an insurance policy; it's a policy most people adopt to feel safe in the world and guarantee acceptance, belonging, and security. It's saying, "I will do everything you want so you don't leave, abandon, reject, or exclude me." It's logical, but it's founded on old data. A proper risk assessment will update your dataset about the world and your capabilities within it, and, more often than not, diminish the risks that appear big and scary at first glance. Let me explain with a hypothetical: let's say you have a "friend" or colleague who is pushy—takes up a lot of space, speaks over you in meetings, says inappropriate jokes, touches your hair without permission, demands a lot of your time and attention—whatever it is. And you smile, nod, and shrug it off, even though you desperately want to say something, to push back. But this individual is someone you value enough to want to keep around, so you tell yourself, "If I don't push back, they will stay around, and I will be safe because of their presence."
So, how do you start your own “risk assessment”?
Pause: Before automatically saying 'yes,' take a moment. Ask yourself if the answer really is yes or no. If you are unsure, take some time to think about it
Identify the Real Fear: What's the absolute worst-case scenario if you say 'no' or push back? Is it truly catastrophic, or just uncomfortable?
Consider Your Values: Does saying 'yes' align with your personal values and goals, or is it sacrificing them for someone else's comfort?"
Pushing back and speaking up could definitely lead to them abandoning you and confirming your worst fears. OR, it could lead to them respecting and appreciating your honesty, and developing some self-awareness on their part. In the former scenario, the truth is they never really cared about you anyway, and you are better off without them, or there's a value mismatch between how they view you relative to how you view them. Either way, that clarifies things for you, extricating you from a situation that makes you feel small and saving you the emotional burden of having to deal with their overreach.
If the latter is the case, you have deepened the relationship, built respect and trust, and validated that you are worth the risk. You are worth speaking up for. It is liberating yourself from the self-imposed prison of their expectations while taking a gamble that they care enough about you to adjust their behavior for you.
Amazing, isn't it? 💖
I recently worked with a client, April (not their real name), who constantly felt overwhelmed by her leadership team's demands. They desperately wanted to get promoted and thought that saying “no” was going to put that at risk. By learning to implement a 'risk assessment' and setting clear boundaries, she not only regained her time but also clarified what was the highest priority, most impactful thing for her to be working on and she also got promoted! Her biggest takeaway? 'I realized my value wasn't tied to saying yes to everything but in focusing on what was most essential”
If you're ready to stop sacrificing your peace for others and truly embrace a life of intentionality, let's chat. Book a free discovery session with me today to explore how coaching can help you break free from people-pleasing and build the confidence to say “no” when it matters most.
Until next time, live free!!
